My first 10k

Sweaty, stinking but happy

2 days ago I ran in the Standard Chartered 10k race. I can still feel the stiffness in my legs (which apparently can last the whole week), but it’s all worth it. Just thinking about the 1 hour 3 minutes and 11 seconds on Sunday makes me smile.

Like many others, I’m not a natural runner. I’m not a runner, period. But perhaps I can be, after this? Rob’s been asking me if I enjoyed it on Sunday, I can’t really say whether I did or didn’t. To me, doing something physically challenging does not fall into the category of “enjoyment”, but there’s a sense of achievement when it’s over, especially when I’ve put in my best.

‘My best’, however, is not an easy concept for me, as I’ve grown up as one of those super driven Asian kids who don’t know when to stop, when to say it’s enough, let’s celebrate and have a piece of cake. I.e. I always think I haven’t done my best. Thanks to the help of friends and my amazing counselor, I’ve improved, albeit slightly, on this. But with regards to the 10k, I think I can say I really did my best – did all the stretching properly, trained (okay maybe not as much as I should have), drank all the right energy gel things (worked wonders) along with the one Imodium pill (absolutely essential), and I even sneaked past as many people as I could to get to the front of the start line.

But what I’m most chuffed about, is not that I did my best, but that I did it. Normally plagued by an enormous amount of self-doubt, I am amazed I actually signed up, trained, and finished it (and in good time!). I don’t know about you, but my internal narrative usually goes like this when I’m running:

You can’t do it

Your legs are tired, you need to stop

You haven’t eaten enough, stop

You never finish things properly in your life anyway, just stop now

You are not like other people who can persevere and press on

It’s almost literally a voice that I hear, and much too often in the past (I attempted to ‘get fit’ many times in the last 10 years) I would accept what I heard, and stop.

Though not aware of it at that time, whenever I heard this voice, I became more ashamed, and defeated in my spirit. Which is not surprisingly as I actually listened to the silly voice!

No doubt largely* a result of being married to Rob (who’s not perfect but who’s definitely into not giving up easily), I found myself running and running during the race, past many who were for some reason stopping periodically and sometimes to take a photo with each of the ‘X km” signs, and chanting “come on, don’t give up, come on” to myself and, towards the end of the race, to the girls around me who had started to give up.

Except for the 2 water breaks when I stopped to drink and pour water over my sweltering head (a first!), I didn’t stop at all. I was vaguely trying to see if I could make it in less than an hour and 10 mins, a challenge issued by Derek, my lovely brother-in-law, and when I passed the 5k mark with less than 35 mins, I thought I might have a fighting chance!

In the past few years as I first got to know people like Rob, and his ‘crazy’ friends e.g. Al Humphreys, Dave Elliott, Leon McCarron, who seem totally unfazed by physical/mental challenges or discomfort (my threshold of which is very low – I can go without a shower for 3 days max), and who in fact seem strangely attracted to such things, I wasn’t sure what to do with them. I decided that they belonged to a genre of species from me, but somehow we are all human beings coexisting with each other.

After this race I don’t think I’m about to attempt a round-the-world bike trip, or walk the length of Hong Kong (though not a bad idea actually), but I think I’ve inched a bit closer to being a bit braver, and a bit more alive.

*I think it helped too that I was raising funds for Viva, the charity we work for, as I felt accountable! I'm very grateful for all the support family and friends have given with their sponsorship.

Hello blog! Can't believe I haven't posted anything for more than a year! Unacceptable...

Here's a recent blog I wrote for Viva. Maybe this is a good place to restart again...

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
- Howard Thurman/John Eldredge

It was this quote, and a series of events, that led me to leave my job as a corporate lawyer in the city of London five years ago. I had little idea what the next job would look like, or how my new life would be; all I knew was that I wanted to devote most of my energies to poverty and justice issues.

Whilst training as a lawyer I had my first brief encounter with poverty. I still remember the scene of scores of children playing in huge puddles of muddy water after heavy rainfall in a shanty town in Cebu, Philippines and the adults sitting around outside the shacks where they lived, with looks of resignation on their faces. And I remember the feeling of helplessness and near emotional paralysis. “How should any child be in a situation like this, where they may die of diarrhea and dehydration tomorrow?” I asked myself, “But what can I, an individual, possibly do to help?”

These thoughts troubled and stirred me, so I started exploring what I should do. I went back to visit the project I knew in the Philippines; I started supporting charities that helped the poor; I read up on development issues. But I continued to wrestle with God and the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough. Deep inside, I feared He might tell me to leave everything and go live in an African village forever. In addition, I felt confused. I loved spending time with children, but my skills as a lawyer did not seem to fit well with that. I was also disheartened by how, through my research of the development sector, no one seemed to agree on a way to combat poverty and injustice, and everyone was pushing their own agenda.

Whilst I was wrestling with these things I met Rob, who later became my husband. Through Rob (who was cycling from Siberia back to the UK to raise funds and awareness for Viva) I learned about Viva’s work with children. As our knowledge of Viva’s approach to transforming children’s lives deepened, both Rob and I came to love what Viva does. We love how Viva does not compete with the world but builds effective local networks of churches and organisations through which people work together and bring about long-lasting transformation to children’s lives. For me, this was it; I found a mission that kindled my excitement.

In 2010 we relocated to Hong Kong, where I am from, and set up an office to raise funds and awareness of Viva’s work with children in Asia. Interestingly, I now use on a daily basis skills of an ex-corporate lawyer, and in our visits to the networks I get to meet and spend time with children and the dedicated caregivers who give so much of themselves to protect and care for children.
The way God has answered my prayers has blown me away. If I had not taken the risk to leave the corporate world, I would not be where I am now, with a new-found motivation and new perspectives and skills. I now know how much a red pepper should cost in the shop (I was rather reckless with my money before); how to have conversations beyond law and finance at a dinner party (I previously had a narrow repertoire of topics); the importance of child protection; book-keeping; how to create a Facebook page for expeditions; how to invite people on a journey with Viva through giving and praying. Most importantly I learned how, in order to make a difference, I don’t have to leave everything and go live in a rural village. I can join what God is already doing through his people, and what better way to start than by working together for children with Viva.

Inside Viva is a blog series that shares the stories of Viva staff members and their views on different topics. The opinions expressed in these articles are the authors’ own.
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What can you do?

IF YOU ALSO WANT TO DO MORE TO TRANSFORM CITIES AND COMMUNITIES TO PROTECT CHILDREN, THERE ARE MANY OPTIONS FOR YOU. GET INVOLVED NOW

Can you work with your spouse?

A common question I get asked these days goes something like this: How do you manage to work with Rob (my husband) all the time? Or if the person asking is being a bit less subtle: How can you possibly work with your spouse?

Rob and I both work for the children's charity Viva, with me devoting 90% of my time, and Rob 50%. The other 50% Rob works on his writing and speaking business, which I help on from time to time. Viva does not have an office yet, so we work mostly from our home, with half of the week spent on meetings on HK Island.

We are both National Directors in Hong Kong, and have different skills and backgrounds. I'm an ex lawyer, with a few years of experience in the development sector, whilst Rob used to be a high school teacher, and has in recent years become a professional adventurer, writer and motivational speaker.

I'm naturally risk averse, conservative (or pessimistic in Rob's eyes) and I tend to over plan. Rob, on the other hand, likes to take risks, is highly optimistic (or slightly reckless in my books) and does not like planning much at all.

And we are both quite opinionated.

So you can imagine our meetings can get heated sometimes! (As my younger sister who's stayed with us can testify to...)

It's a real challenge, but we've found the following tips useful (not saying they're easy to follow...)

Try not to speak in your own natural work language

Don't assume that your way of working is always right

Leave plenty of time for discussion of potentially explosive topics e.g. finances

Sort out your own issues

Play to each other's strength i.e. actively affirm each other's contribution

Forgive each other - no one is perfect

Incidentally, we think these are also the same tips for helping with our marriage!

Do you work with your spouse? Do you have any tips which you can share?

Love146

I recently came across this moving video, about the story of a girl called Diana who had endured unspeakable trauma but has now found real hope and strength for the future.

Love146 is part of the network which Viva partners with in Cambodia, where scores of children are victims of trafficking and exploitation.

Diana's Love Story from LOVE146 on Vimeo.

To find out more about the amazing work of Love146, check out www.love146.org.

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like Cambodia II: Rehab House, For the Love of Cupcakes.

Escape The City

If you are or know someone who's considering a career change, you might find www.escapethecity.org helpful - largely based in the UK, this site seeks to provide a forum for people who are thinking of escaping the city (ie the City in London, but it can also apply to other cities!) for "greener" pastures.

I'm featured as a "Hero" on the site (ha!), for having escaped law for the charity sector. Some of the tips and experiences which I shared have been reproduced below - hope you'll find something helpful!

2) What did you do before this?

Well, I did quite a few things!

My first job was with a London magic circle law firm where I trained and qualified as a corporate lawyer. I was with this firm for 4 years. I know plenty of people who enjoy their lawyer jobs but for me I thought life was too short to be stuck in something I wasn't passionate about!

After I left in late 2007 I tried different things in international development and human rights, which included working with an NGO in relief and development (Tearfund) and interning with a couple of human rights think tanks. This summer my husband and I also volunteered on a residential project with street children in the Philippines, which was absolutely awesome.

3) What was your moment of truth?

It's hard to pinpoint to a particular moment which changed everything, though I have to say that having a teacher-turned-explorer boyfriend then (now husband) who was cyclinghalf way across the world just because that's what he wanted to do certainly didn't help!

I was also reading Richard Nelson Bolles' other less well known book How to Find Your Mission in Life and found it rather inspiring.

And I loved what John Eldredge said in Wild At Heart: Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

4) How did you plan for it?

On one hand I wanted to have had something lined up before I left my corporate law job (I was, after all, a lawyer, so was naturally rather risk averse) but my hours were so long and there just wasn't any physical or head space to think about anything, so I had nothing planned as such when I finished my notice. I was really in need of a break though so was glad to have 4 months off.

During the break I rested and tried to regain perspective, and after that I spent a whole month talking to everyone and anyone who was willing to talk to me about the international development and charity world (I asked my friends for any contacts they were happy to give me) and built up my network that way. I found my first job through doing that!

Taking a few months off might not be a viable option for some, but I was fortunate enough having saved up a bit of money and I didn't have any mortgage or babies to worry about.

5) What have been the best and worst things about making this happen?

The best thing is that even though nowadays I'm still busy and sometimes working longish hours (nothing compared to the City though!), I'm doing something I'm passionate about and I no longer feel chained to my job because of some unknown fear/feeling of loss if I walked away from it.

Can't really think of the worst thing really.... obviously one has to go through lots of soul searching about one's own identity when one jumps ship, and I felt scared and vulnerable and insecure at various points, but it's all part of a very good growing up experience (with the benefit of hindsight I can of course say this now...). I talk about some of my struggles on my blog.

6) What is the best advice you have received?

Try not to give too much weight to people who tell you that it cannot be done - because there will always be people who are pessimistic / risk averse / or for whatever reason think you're mad!

The flip side of this is to talk to everyone and anyone who's happy to chat with you - you'd never know what you might learn or who they might point you to.

Got a burning question? Go ahead and ask me something.

7) What resources or information have you found really helpful?

What Colour is Your Parachute by Richard Nelson Bolles.

I love Don Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years - a hugely inspirational read, Don talks about living life as a story, which is an excellent way to go about living your life, so you'll be intentional about leading an interesting, meaningful life (which often requires some risk taking!).

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like So What Do You Do?, The Unedited Version and How Will You Measure Your Life.

The Lover

Recently I read a thought provoking, captivating book The Lover by A B Yehoshua.

Originally written in Hebrew, it tells of a story set in the 70s in Israel and evolves around a Jewish man, his wife, their teenage daughter, a young Jewish man who had returned from France and a teenage Arab boy.

Giving different voices to the different characters in first person, it is a beautifully book with depth, and much nuanced insight on both life in general (love, marriage, loss, identity) and people's lives in Israel and Palestine.

I'm not sure if it's intended to be on a commentary on the politics in the region, but certainly I didn't detect any biases but on the contrary felt that the author was portraying quite a balanced picture (though I'm sure someone is bound to disagree with me on this).

The Israel and Palestinian situation is no doubt an extremely complex and sensitive one, and I don't think the author was trying to side with anyone. It's a really enjoyable book and I would highly recommend it.

Jumping Ship

An ex colleague recently got in touch to ask me about jumping ship. The pleasant exchange of Facebook messages and other such correspondences made me realise I should probably at some point share here some of the tips and mistakes which I learned from my own experiences in moving to another field.

It would be great to explore questions such as these:

1. How does one decide to really go for it?

2. Once the decision has been made, what next?

3. Would further study help?

4. How does one find a job in a different sector?

5. How not to look back!

Watch this space!

Restarting my blog

I'm trying to restart writing on this blog, though a silly voice inside tells me I'll probably fail to keep up with my expectations.

One challenge which I had felt (= an excuse for disappearing for months) was that I needed to write something super meaningful for each entry, as otherwise I would just be blabbering. But that means I almost never write these days, as we've been mega busy with setting up Viva in Hong Kong.

But that's a poor excuse, and one that will certainly stop most people from doing anything like this - as most people suffer from over busyness!

So I'll attempt to write again.

Ugly Betty

I'll admit it.

I've been enjoying Ugly Betty Fourth and Final Season.

While I, like many others no doubt, hesitate in accepting her "prettier" self as the final season progressed (she just looked so different without her braces), I (and my husband who normally only likes serious stuff) really like this season so far - it's funny, deep, innocent, and has a clear moral sense - like honesty, fidelity, loyalty, friendship are all good stuff, even if they cost at times!

Saved from Slavery... by a Sandwich Cart

This is a recent blog post taken from the blog of Viva, the amazing children at risk charity Rob and I are working for in Hong Kong.

Veata’s family live in a village outside Phnom Penh. She’s 15 now, but she’s been working since she was 11. Veata, her mother, and her siblings work as trash collectors to earn money – three siblings work collecting trash while the other three attend school, and then they swap. Veata’s father is a construction worker.

A few years ago, Veata’s mother enrolled her in the Phnom Penh network’s ‘Get Ready’ programme, a project that keeps girls out of brothels by helping them develop skills that will help them get work. That way girls are educated but are still available to help their families earn money –a balance that is really necessary in poor Cambodian villages and families. (For those of you who don’t know, the network in Phnom Penh, called Chab Dai, is a group of projects that Viva helped bring together and continues to support, to prevent girls from being sold into sexual slavery in Cambodia.)

The staff of the network could see that Veata was a good student and a quick learner. She graduated from the Get Ready programme and was encouraged to continue with ‘Bright Girls’, through which she was given an allowance so she could take advanced English lessons. Veata spent two years in the ‘Bright Girls’ programme and became a skilled seamstress and tailor – even earning money above her allowance from the sales of her clothes!

Then the effects of the global financial crisis swept through Cambodia, and Veata’s father found his construction assignments growing fewer and farther between. Even with Veata’s sales and allowance and the hard work of her family collecting trash, there wasn’t enough money to cover the cost of living. They became prime targets for traffickers, who prey on families in financial straits.

A man approached Veata’s parents with an arrangement for her that could relieve them of the poverty that threatened: he said Veata would make a good candidate for a ‘second wife’. A wealthy Asian businessman was going to be spending time in Phnom Penh on business regularly through the year, and was looking for a young live-in mistress. The man offered Veata’s parents £125 up front, with monthly payments of £75 to follow. Although they hated the idea of parting with their daughter in this way, they were becoming desperate - that money could prevent the family from going hungry and possibly losing their home.

Veata went to one of the teachers from the Bright Girl programme for help. Because of the love and care the staff at Bright Girl had shown her, she knew she could trust them with this huge problem. She was immediately taken in to the weekly boarding programme supported by the network to be kept safe from the trafficker, while the network's social workers talked about alternatives with Veata’s family. They were able to arrange a £50 microbusiness loan for the family to set up a sandwich cart. This wasn’t as much as the trafficker was offering, but Veata’s parents were willing to take any option that would keep their daughter from becoming a ‘second wife’.

Veata stayed in the care of the network boarding programme until her family’s sandwich business was set up and she could safely return home. Within four months, she’d even paid off the microloan using her monthly allowance and the income from her sewing business!

Working together, we’ve seen Veata grow from a trash collector in tattered clothes, exposed to the dangers of child sexual exploitation, to a talented seamstress who can help support her family and earns more than most factory workers in Cambodia. And even better than that, her younger sisters are now safe from the danger posed by traffickers, as the microloan from the network has lifted their family out of poverty and created a business for all of them to benefit from.

If you enjoyed this post, do check out Viva's blog for other encouraging stories, and you may also enjoy Cambodia II: Rehab House and For the Love of Cupcakes.

So what do you do?

This article was pitched as part of a series for a paper in Singapore but it was dropped (sob!) as the paper didn't want to encourage a trend for corporate exodus (!!!)

Thought I should post it here nonetheless for those who haven't got bored of reading about escaping the corporate life :)

So what do you do?

I dreaded that question 3 years ago but it was impossible to avoid being asked precisely that at dinner parties.

In November 2007 I had taken the leap and left my glamorous job as a corporate lawyer in London to instead pursue an alternative career in the charity sector. To my surprise the transition left me shaken inside and I found many things difficult, including how to introduce myself to new acquaintances. I felt embarrassed admitting that I was in transit to an unknown new world, despite the frequent response of admiration (which sometimes was accompanied by bewilderment). The temptation was always there to drop in a line or two about how I used to work for a top law firm.

Equally challenging was the moment when everyone exchanged sleek-looking business cards and I would stand there feeling self-conscious. When my turn came I would apologise that I didn’t have a card, and joke that I should have prepared a homemade one. Perhaps my card would read: “Searching for a Job in International Development Relating to Children, Ideally if Previous Legal Skills can be Used”? And maybe “Ex Corporate Lawyer” should feature at the front, underlined, in case people didn’t think much of the convoluted title?

Having grown up in Singapore in my teens and succeeding all my life in the traditional sense (straight A student, Dean’s list in law school, scholarship to Oxford, high flying first job), I found it extremely hard to actually believe that I as a person was not defined by the parameters of conventional success. For months after I exited the revolving glass doors of Allen & Overy, I struggled not to view myself through the coloured lens by which I used to pigeonhole others: their jobs, their “proven” abilities; their financial status. I was also shocked to discover that I had those biases ingrained in me.

And there were other difficult aspects of the transition to deal with. All of a sudden, I found myself having to check my bank account balance and actually do some budgeting - such was the degree of my previous recklessness with my finances that I never knew how much money I had at any one point! Neither was I aware of the cost of, say, a red pepper in the supermarket, or a starter at a restaurant, as I threw things into my shopping trolley, or ordered from the menu without paying much attention to the numbers. I thought that was normal.

Socially, it wasn’t easy either. When going out with friends who also had lucrative jobs, it became necessary to have awkward conversations about how to split the bill. I had to muster all I had to fight the feeling of “losing face”. Also, I couldn’t attend the dinner at my best friend’s birthday bash at a posh restaurant but could only manage to join the party for a drink afterwards. For a natural people pleaser (with a delicate self esteem), all this proved to be very difficult, but these situations forced me to examine some of the deep seated attitudes in me and the motives behind what I used to do.

Looking back, it was a tough period of time, and writing about it has even depressed me slightly, but if you asked me if I regretted my decision at all, the answer would be an irrevocable no. There is no way I would exchange now (and the excitement of what is to come) for anything from my previous life.

Can Bling Bling be Fairtrade too?

Remember the film Blood Diamond? I never managed to see it properly; the only time I saw it was on a speeding coach along the coast of Negros in the Philippines this past summer. We were on our way to a beautiful island where one of the CFA staff was from, and were most thrilled when the bus driver decided to show it on the small TV screen at the front of the bus. Feeling hungry (we had got up at 5am), cold (the AC was intent on freezing us) and slightly nauseous from the bumpy ride, I strained to follow the exciting plot.

The film, if you don’t already know, is set in the late 90s in Sierra Leone and tells a tale of a family being broken up by civil war, and about how the father sought to find his lost son who has now been captured by the rebel groups to become a child soldier. The film also showed something that has been happening for decades now – the conflict diamonds which feed many bloodthirsty civil wars in Africa. In such instances, rough diamonds are mined for by civilians who have been captured by rebel groups and sold onto the next stage of the diamond chain for large sums of money, which in turn finance the continuing warfare.

Obviously no one would want to knowingly buy or own any diamond that might potentially have been tainted by “blood”.

The Kimberly Process is an initiative that has been set up since 2000 to ensure that diamonds in the world market are properly accounted for, by imposing extensive requirements on members to shipments of rough diamonds as “conflict free” and thus prevent conflict/blood diamonds from entering into the legitimate trade.

However, the Kimberly Process does not certify individual jewellers. According to their website, as a consumer, you can play your part by requiring the jeweller where you’re purchasing from to answer the following questions:

How can I be sure your jewellery does not contain conflict diamonds?

Do your diamond suppliers participate in the industry’s ‘System of Warranties’*?

Can I see a copy of your company’s policy on conflict diamonds?

*The diamond industry has set up a 'System of Warranties' that complements, but is distinct from, the Kimberley Process. You can find out more here.

I came across a further question about 2 years ago whilst I was working at Tearfund. During one of the lunch time seminars, we were introduced to the ethical jeweller CRED. CRED, I found out, is a jeweller based in the UK which only sells conflict free diamond, but it even goes further to ensure that the diamonds and metal (gold, silver, stainless steel) which they sell are sourced in an environmentally friendly manner and that the workers involved in the exploration and refining are paid a fair wage!

How awesome is that!

Thankfully, when Rob thought of proposing 1.5 years ago, he had kept the mass email which I sent out about my new discovery of CRED, and he went to CRED and got me a beautiful, conflict free and fair trade diamond ring! (Apparently they had to source the diamond from Canada – as that’s the only place where the stones are definitely free of conflict as well as exploitation!)

CRED makes very beautiful and classic jewelry and has a wide range of engagement and wedding rings too.

For those of you who are married, I’m not suggesting you to go and change your engagement and wedding rings, though I would love to encourage those who have not got rings to please consider CRED (or any other such jeweller, just do a Google search!), and do your extra bit in making our world a more ethical place.

Cambodia II: Rehab's House

This blog post is part of a series where I'll be sharing about what we've seen and experienced in terms of the anti human trafficking work in Cambodia.

Another project just outside Phnom Penh, Cambodia, which really moved us was Rehab's House.

Until several years ago, Rehab's House used to be a brothel where scores of under 18 girls were kept to service the sexual needs of customers. Men typically paid US$10 to 20 to sleep with a girl if she wasn’t a virgin. In a culture where (at least for some sections of society) sleeping with a virgin is believed to bring good luck or, on the extreme end, able to purge one’s HIV, a virgin at this brothel was priced at US$300 and her price can go up to $700 if she was pretty.

I say her “price”, but she would not have received a single penny of what was paid as all the money went to the brothel owners.

At the brothel, children were kept in individual “rooms” (which was no more than a 5 feet x 7 feet cell) with a wooden bed where the sexual acts would be performed. On the wall outside each room was painted, in red, a number. The children were known as the numbers outside their rooms. Two rows of rooms ran parallel to each other, with a tiny corridor in the middle. The children were not allowed to go out of their rooms except for using the toilet etc, and if they tried to escape they would suffer grave punishment, and in the few cases of children who tried to run away they were brought back by gangsters in the vicinity who were connected with the brothel.

In 2002, International Justice Mission, working with the local police, raided the brothel, rescuing all the children who had been held in captivity, and went on to persecute the perpetrators. The children, who finally saw the light of day after living in what could only be described as hell, were then placed in an aftercare shelter operated by Agape (who also runs Rehab's House), where they could be counseled, cared for and educated so that they might have another chance at life.

The building where the brothel used to operate was subsequently majorly restructured, with the cold, dingy cells demolished (except for Room no. 9), and turned into a community centre providing supplementary schooling to children, vocational training (sewing lessons!) to women and girls, and healthcare to all in the community. The women and girls taking the sewing lessons are now able to make pillowcases as a livelihood to provide for themselves and their families. Livelihood is an extremely important key to preventing trafficking in the first place, as many who are poor and desperate to survive are often extremely vulnerable to traffickers coming along to entice/trick/persuade them into so-called “employment opportunities”.

The community where Rehab's House is located is not without lingering problems – 70% of its inhabitants are Vietnamese (and hence stateless and illegal, according to the Cambodian government, despite the fact that they have lived in the country for many years and their children were born in Cambodia; they are particularly at risk as the state does not protect them at all), most people living there are still very poor and uneducated, gangs still operate in the area and pedophiles still travel from Phnom Penh daily to transact with children.

Walking through the streets and seeing people not having or doing much, it’s tempting to get all despondent about the state of things in this community. But we’re reminded again of the progress that has been already made as a result of the immense hard work by amazing organisations such as IJM and Agape, and that widespread, long lasting change always takes time.

As we were leaving those dusty roads that evening, through the back window of the window I looked at Rehab's House again, painted in orange and yellow, and the women working on their sewing projects. What used to be a dungeon where cries of children were muffled, Rehab's House is now a lighthouse in its community, giving hope and a future to many.

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like Human Trafficking or For the Love of Cupcakes.

In Spotlight

Last Thursday, Rob and I were in the spotlight.

Well, for about 5 minutes.

On a stage in front of over 100 starry eyed couples who were engaged to get married, we were interviewed about our first year of marriage.

About one and a half year ago, during our tight engagement period (4.5 months, which apparently is not that short, according to some!), we signed up for the Marriage Preparation Course* at our church, Holy Trinity Brompton.

The people running the course have asked us if we could be the “live interview couple” for the first session this term, the theme of which is Communication. The idea of the interview is for those who are on the course to hear, first hand, from a newly married couple about what they have learnt about being married, the ups and downs and any useful top tips so far!

We could still vividly remember going along to the course on the second week in May last year (as Rob had only proposed to me during the first week, so we missed “Communication”, ironically), seeing so many smiling couples who looked so in love and many no doubt thinking along the lines of I can never spend enough time with you or I can’t imagine having a fight with you ever, you’re so lovely… and then, hilariously, after a very fun and engaging evening having a nice meal, listening to a short talk and doing some discussions on their own, we saw many couples leave the building looking rather grumpy (and not holding hands)!

It seems amusing now, but we too can recall, one week, getting into a serious argument even before the discussion time came along, and not hearing what the speaker was talking about at all. Not sure if we were holding hands when we left either.

Don’t get me wrong. It was a great course. But if one were naïve (which of course many of us were, myself included), one might just get slightly surprised at the different issues that might come up in one's marriage, like how both your attitudes towards money can be very different and a point of serious contention, how best to develop healthy boundaries with parents and in laws (loving as they are, boundaries are good things, as a married couple is one unit and accountable first to each other) and so on and so forth. So it’s good to have a chance to talk about these important things, before one actually takes the plunge.

It’s also interesting to hear many couples say that it’s a precious time for them together, away from the manic (or mundane) wedding preparations which can sometimes take up so much of one’s energy and time, if not skewing one’s perspectives on life too.

In case you’re wondering, what were our top tips?

Rob: I’ve learnt not to give advice or react when Christine is trying to process her emotions externally and just be patient and listen. (Now boys you don’t have to go too crazy here)

Me: For me, it’s not to be afraid of conflict. Keep talking through the issues until you have resolved them. We have found that though it’s painful, we come out the other end closer.

*One does not have to be a Christian to be on the course at all; the course is based on Christian values, but many couples who go along to the course are not church goers.

The Marriage Preparation Course and the Marriage Course are run in many locations around the world.

If you’ve enjoyed this post, you may also like Love and War.

For the Love of Cupcakes

Have you ever thought of how cupcakes could help victims of sexual trafficking?

No, I'm not talking about cupcakes sold in a booth in some market somewhere to raise funds for a charity that works to combat the problem of sexual trafficking - though that's awesome in itself.

Two weeks ago, Rob and I visited several projects in Phnom Penh, the capital of the Kingdom of Cambodia.

One of these projects is called Bloom Cafe, a cafe which has been set up to help girls and women who have been previously trafficked into the sex trade. Bloom Cafe helps them by training them to bake and make cupcakes (and other kinds of cakes, all ridiculously beautifully decorated) and sell them at the cafe.

We had heard about Bloom Cafe the whole week when we were in Phnom Penh, and on the penultimate day we decided to swing by quickly to have a cup of tea and some impossible-to-eat-because-it-is-so-beautiful type of cupcakes!

The cafe has a lovely, relaxed atmosphere, and scattered around the ground floor are plush sofa seats, all colour-coordinated with matching cushions, and some wooden tables sitting bigger parties.

There are also three glass cupboards filled with displays of decorated cakes - in the form of a stylish luggage with a tag for Paris, a swish lady handbag, Noah's ark (complete with pai

rs of animals), and about 25 other designs. They were so good even Rob was impressed!

(We couldn't take any pictures of the decorated cakes so you'll have to go there yourself to check them out!)

Having never spoken to anyone who's been through unimaginable trauma, I was a bit unsure what to expect when I ordered a set of three cupcakes (and had huge difficulties choosing which three out of the 20+ designs), a pot of Fairtrade Chai tea and a cup of Fairtrade cappuccino. The ladies behind the counter were friendly and professional, and were gracious and smiling as I couldn't stop expressing my wonder and admiration at their work.

Trafficking is a complex issue. One thing which we have learned from our time in Phnom Penh is that huge efforts need to be made in different aspects of anti trafficking work. For example, whilst rescuing trafficked girls and women from brothels is critical in protecting them, they also need to be given appropriate care and counselling afterwards in order to have a chance of being healed or at least coming to terms with the trauma and pain which they have suffered. But it does not stop there - after an appropriate time of aftercare, these girls and women need to have alternative means of making a living, as otherwise, driven by poverty and lack of options, they may fall prey to trafficking and enter that world again.

So Bloom Cafe (and many others) is providing a great form of training and livelihood which gives real, long lasting hope to many who have just emerged from a dark world of unspeakable horror and pain.

In the next few posts I will write more about what we experienced in Phnom Penh, the different kinds of amazing projects that are going on and what we can all do to help combat the evil of human trafficking.

Love and War

A year ago today, Rob and I got married at Holy Trinity Brompton Church in London. Many friends had warned us beforehand that the wedding day would simply fly past, and that we should savour each moment.

True enough, that day came and went. When we cycled off (yes, on a bicycle!) into the street in Sloane Square trying to find our friend's hired car which was waiting for us, our adrenaline levels were still soaring high. We kept laughing our heads off as we dragged our luggages towards the train to Gatwick Airport at almost 1am, me in my turquoise Chinese cheong sum, and Rob in his T shirt and jeans (for easy cycling).

Friends (mostly girls) have asked me over the past months - so, how is it like being married?

They almost always get shocked when they hear my answer, which goes along the lines of:

Marriage is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me, but it's also the hardest thing I've ever done.

(Now, before any male reader gets a bit defensive for Rob, I can confirm that he agrees with me too)

Marriage is hard. And I'm not sure why we (most people) still find that surprising.

Perhaps it's because of the far too often endings in romantic films, where the hero returns from somewhere and gets united with his beloved, or when the confused young woman finally chooses the "right guy" (by ditching her boring fiance for the exciting new kid on the block) and they proclaim their everlasting love for each other, and so on and so forth.

You get the idea.

For some reason, we human beings have been conditioned to think that when such romantic scenarios happen, they lead to a state called Happily Ever After which incidentally does not involve anything mundane or inconvenient like washing up after a meal, arguing over who should take out the trash, being too exhausted and stressed out to say nice things to your exhausted and stressed out spouse, or the more serious issues (which are very real possibilities) like the pain of rebellious teenage children, long term sickness, infertility, depression...

We have been fortunate that we haven't experienced any serious issues in our first year of marriage, but to say that it has been a cruise like what Hollywood movies and popular music often imply will be a lie.

We love each other, but we have also found loving difficult at various points. Our selfishness, our seemingly never ending capacity to hurt each other, even unintentionally, and the realness of feeling like we're enemies instead of lovers, become increasingly apparent, and painful to face or admit.

We are often amazed at how much happiness we can have in our marriage, but equally how frustrating and hard it can be.

Too often we think of marriage as the end to romance (for men mostly) or the start of eternal bliss (for women mostly). I would say both perceptions are misconceived.

Marriage is the start of the real adventure of life, where in the safety of life long commitment (if you choose to anyway), you grow to know the other person more and more deeply and learn to love him or her above yourself - which is extremely easy to say but fabulously hard to do.

Choosing to live like this definitely comes with a cost, but the rewards are, though they may not be immediate, unimaginably wonderful.

PS In case it's not clear, I totally recommend marriage!

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The Happy Lawyer

This morning I came across another book on happiness - this time through my lovely dad - one which would interest many of my (lawyer and non lawyer) friends and ex colleagues: The Happy Lawyer (a misnomer?)

I'm totally plagiarising my dad, but here's a quick summary of the first half of the book.

The authors looked at the relationship between happiness and dissatisfaction of lawyers and made the following observations:

• Public vs private sector: 2 out of 3 lawyers in the public sector were reported as being more satisfied

• Age: Lawyers over 50 years old are happier than those under 50

• Income: There is a weak link between income and life satisfaction

• Sex: Female lawyers have become less happy during the past 35 years

• Race: Black and Hispanic lawyers are happier than Asians and Whites, apparently because more Blacks and Hispanics work in nonprofit or government legal jobs, and more Asian and White lawyers work for large law firms.

The authors also suggested 6 keys to life satisfaction:

• Security - physical or economical

• Autonomy - ability to make your preferred choices

• Authenticity - being who you really are

• Relatedness - connectivity to others

• Sense of competence

• Self-esteem

According to the authors, self development towards these six intrinsic goals produces more happiness than focussing on extrinsic goals, such as becoming rich or famous.

I found this echoes what Oliver James says in Affluenza (which is a great book by the way) - that the motivation of our actions is important, that if we are driven by "affluenza-ish" desires in what we do (wanting to be famous, rich etc), we will tend to have less satisfaction, than if we were driven by intrinsic values (like we actually like our job, the job develops us), even if the latter may actually end up making us famous and rich.

And finally, the authors introduced some tips from what they called the Happiness Toolbox:

make your job matters to you - choose meaningful projects - become a key player - make you job affect other people - identify how your work has bettered lives - strive for a work-life balance - discuss work flexibility with sympathetic (!) boss - make your job more secure - know and become friends with those who control your fate (I don't like how this sounds) - meet or exceed company expectation - take control of your work product and work space - develop your own strategy for meeting goals - personalise your work space (like with Hello Kitty!) - connect with people - collaborate - eat lunch with colleagues or clients - participate in company events (eating lunch will be a start) - choose face-to-face work when possible - if happiness seems possible (!) in your job, commit to that job - don't always look for greener grass (water your own) - remind yourself what you really like about your job - think about projects that have "made time fly" - look for challenging tasks - avoid when possible, too easy tasks (hmm) - avoid making upward comparisons - choose when possible, projects that benefit the less fortunate - find out what experiences have made your colleagues or work-friends happy - know your strength and what gives you pleasure - align your work with your value

Have you got enough ideas yet?

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I don't think I agree with many things proposed by the authors, but there are definitely some interesting observations and some useful tips.

Although I am no longer in that world, I am still deeply intrigued by how lawyers / corporate people are finding their jobs.

One thing that popped into my head is what about the question of purpose - both in terms of one's own purpose in work/life and the corporate purpose of where you work. Do these matter to you?

As usual, I would love to hear about what you think of any of this!