Can you work with your spouse?

A common question I get asked these days goes something like this: How do you manage to work with Rob (my husband) all the time? Or if the person asking is being a bit less subtle: How can you possibly work with your spouse?

Rob and I both work for the children's charity Viva, with me devoting 90% of my time, and Rob 50%. The other 50% Rob works on his writing and speaking business, which I help on from time to time. Viva does not have an office yet, so we work mostly from our home, with half of the week spent on meetings on HK Island.

We are both National Directors in Hong Kong, and have different skills and backgrounds. I'm an ex lawyer, with a few years of experience in the development sector, whilst Rob used to be a high school teacher, and has in recent years become a professional adventurer, writer and motivational speaker.

I'm naturally risk averse, conservative (or pessimistic in Rob's eyes) and I tend to over plan. Rob, on the other hand, likes to take risks, is highly optimistic (or slightly reckless in my books) and does not like planning much at all.

And we are both quite opinionated.

So you can imagine our meetings can get heated sometimes! (As my younger sister who's stayed with us can testify to...)

It's a real challenge, but we've found the following tips useful (not saying they're easy to follow...)

Try not to speak in your own natural work language

Don't assume that your way of working is always right

Leave plenty of time for discussion of potentially explosive topics e.g. finances

Sort out your own issues

Play to each other's strength i.e. actively affirm each other's contribution

Forgive each other - no one is perfect

Incidentally, we think these are also the same tips for helping with our marriage!

Do you work with your spouse? Do you have any tips which you can share?

The Lover

Recently I read a thought provoking, captivating book The Lover by A B Yehoshua.

Originally written in Hebrew, it tells of a story set in the 70s in Israel and evolves around a Jewish man, his wife, their teenage daughter, a young Jewish man who had returned from France and a teenage Arab boy.

Giving different voices to the different characters in first person, it is a beautifully book with depth, and much nuanced insight on both life in general (love, marriage, loss, identity) and people's lives in Israel and Palestine.

I'm not sure if it's intended to be on a commentary on the politics in the region, but certainly I didn't detect any biases but on the contrary felt that the author was portraying quite a balanced picture (though I'm sure someone is bound to disagree with me on this).

The Israel and Palestinian situation is no doubt an extremely complex and sensitive one, and I don't think the author was trying to side with anyone. It's a really enjoyable book and I would highly recommend it.

Can Bling Bling be Fairtrade too?

Remember the film Blood Diamond? I never managed to see it properly; the only time I saw it was on a speeding coach along the coast of Negros in the Philippines this past summer. We were on our way to a beautiful island where one of the CFA staff was from, and were most thrilled when the bus driver decided to show it on the small TV screen at the front of the bus. Feeling hungry (we had got up at 5am), cold (the AC was intent on freezing us) and slightly nauseous from the bumpy ride, I strained to follow the exciting plot.

The film, if you don’t already know, is set in the late 90s in Sierra Leone and tells a tale of a family being broken up by civil war, and about how the father sought to find his lost son who has now been captured by the rebel groups to become a child soldier. The film also showed something that has been happening for decades now – the conflict diamonds which feed many bloodthirsty civil wars in Africa. In such instances, rough diamonds are mined for by civilians who have been captured by rebel groups and sold onto the next stage of the diamond chain for large sums of money, which in turn finance the continuing warfare.

Obviously no one would want to knowingly buy or own any diamond that might potentially have been tainted by “blood”.

The Kimberly Process is an initiative that has been set up since 2000 to ensure that diamonds in the world market are properly accounted for, by imposing extensive requirements on members to shipments of rough diamonds as “conflict free” and thus prevent conflict/blood diamonds from entering into the legitimate trade.

However, the Kimberly Process does not certify individual jewellers. According to their website, as a consumer, you can play your part by requiring the jeweller where you’re purchasing from to answer the following questions:

How can I be sure your jewellery does not contain conflict diamonds?

Do your diamond suppliers participate in the industry’s ‘System of Warranties’*?

Can I see a copy of your company’s policy on conflict diamonds?

*The diamond industry has set up a 'System of Warranties' that complements, but is distinct from, the Kimberley Process. You can find out more here.

I came across a further question about 2 years ago whilst I was working at Tearfund. During one of the lunch time seminars, we were introduced to the ethical jeweller CRED. CRED, I found out, is a jeweller based in the UK which only sells conflict free diamond, but it even goes further to ensure that the diamonds and metal (gold, silver, stainless steel) which they sell are sourced in an environmentally friendly manner and that the workers involved in the exploration and refining are paid a fair wage!

How awesome is that!

Thankfully, when Rob thought of proposing 1.5 years ago, he had kept the mass email which I sent out about my new discovery of CRED, and he went to CRED and got me a beautiful, conflict free and fair trade diamond ring! (Apparently they had to source the diamond from Canada – as that’s the only place where the stones are definitely free of conflict as well as exploitation!)

CRED makes very beautiful and classic jewelry and has a wide range of engagement and wedding rings too.

For those of you who are married, I’m not suggesting you to go and change your engagement and wedding rings, though I would love to encourage those who have not got rings to please consider CRED (or any other such jeweller, just do a Google search!), and do your extra bit in making our world a more ethical place.

In Spotlight

Last Thursday, Rob and I were in the spotlight.

Well, for about 5 minutes.

On a stage in front of over 100 starry eyed couples who were engaged to get married, we were interviewed about our first year of marriage.

About one and a half year ago, during our tight engagement period (4.5 months, which apparently is not that short, according to some!), we signed up for the Marriage Preparation Course* at our church, Holy Trinity Brompton.

The people running the course have asked us if we could be the “live interview couple” for the first session this term, the theme of which is Communication. The idea of the interview is for those who are on the course to hear, first hand, from a newly married couple about what they have learnt about being married, the ups and downs and any useful top tips so far!

We could still vividly remember going along to the course on the second week in May last year (as Rob had only proposed to me during the first week, so we missed “Communication”, ironically), seeing so many smiling couples who looked so in love and many no doubt thinking along the lines of I can never spend enough time with you or I can’t imagine having a fight with you ever, you’re so lovely… and then, hilariously, after a very fun and engaging evening having a nice meal, listening to a short talk and doing some discussions on their own, we saw many couples leave the building looking rather grumpy (and not holding hands)!

It seems amusing now, but we too can recall, one week, getting into a serious argument even before the discussion time came along, and not hearing what the speaker was talking about at all. Not sure if we were holding hands when we left either.

Don’t get me wrong. It was a great course. But if one were naïve (which of course many of us were, myself included), one might just get slightly surprised at the different issues that might come up in one's marriage, like how both your attitudes towards money can be very different and a point of serious contention, how best to develop healthy boundaries with parents and in laws (loving as they are, boundaries are good things, as a married couple is one unit and accountable first to each other) and so on and so forth. So it’s good to have a chance to talk about these important things, before one actually takes the plunge.

It’s also interesting to hear many couples say that it’s a precious time for them together, away from the manic (or mundane) wedding preparations which can sometimes take up so much of one’s energy and time, if not skewing one’s perspectives on life too.

In case you’re wondering, what were our top tips?

Rob: I’ve learnt not to give advice or react when Christine is trying to process her emotions externally and just be patient and listen. (Now boys you don’t have to go too crazy here)

Me: For me, it’s not to be afraid of conflict. Keep talking through the issues until you have resolved them. We have found that though it’s painful, we come out the other end closer.

*One does not have to be a Christian to be on the course at all; the course is based on Christian values, but many couples who go along to the course are not church goers.

The Marriage Preparation Course and the Marriage Course are run in many locations around the world.

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Love and War

A year ago today, Rob and I got married at Holy Trinity Brompton Church in London. Many friends had warned us beforehand that the wedding day would simply fly past, and that we should savour each moment.

True enough, that day came and went. When we cycled off (yes, on a bicycle!) into the street in Sloane Square trying to find our friend's hired car which was waiting for us, our adrenaline levels were still soaring high. We kept laughing our heads off as we dragged our luggages towards the train to Gatwick Airport at almost 1am, me in my turquoise Chinese cheong sum, and Rob in his T shirt and jeans (for easy cycling).

Friends (mostly girls) have asked me over the past months - so, how is it like being married?

They almost always get shocked when they hear my answer, which goes along the lines of:

Marriage is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me, but it's also the hardest thing I've ever done.

(Now, before any male reader gets a bit defensive for Rob, I can confirm that he agrees with me too)

Marriage is hard. And I'm not sure why we (most people) still find that surprising.

Perhaps it's because of the far too often endings in romantic films, where the hero returns from somewhere and gets united with his beloved, or when the confused young woman finally chooses the "right guy" (by ditching her boring fiance for the exciting new kid on the block) and they proclaim their everlasting love for each other, and so on and so forth.

You get the idea.

For some reason, we human beings have been conditioned to think that when such romantic scenarios happen, they lead to a state called Happily Ever After which incidentally does not involve anything mundane or inconvenient like washing up after a meal, arguing over who should take out the trash, being too exhausted and stressed out to say nice things to your exhausted and stressed out spouse, or the more serious issues (which are very real possibilities) like the pain of rebellious teenage children, long term sickness, infertility, depression...

We have been fortunate that we haven't experienced any serious issues in our first year of marriage, but to say that it has been a cruise like what Hollywood movies and popular music often imply will be a lie.

We love each other, but we have also found loving difficult at various points. Our selfishness, our seemingly never ending capacity to hurt each other, even unintentionally, and the realness of feeling like we're enemies instead of lovers, become increasingly apparent, and painful to face or admit.

We are often amazed at how much happiness we can have in our marriage, but equally how frustrating and hard it can be.

Too often we think of marriage as the end to romance (for men mostly) or the start of eternal bliss (for women mostly). I would say both perceptions are misconceived.

Marriage is the start of the real adventure of life, where in the safety of life long commitment (if you choose to anyway), you grow to know the other person more and more deeply and learn to love him or her above yourself - which is extremely easy to say but fabulously hard to do.

Choosing to live like this definitely comes with a cost, but the rewards are, though they may not be immediate, unimaginably wonderful.

PS In case it's not clear, I totally recommend marriage!

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